Listen to me,ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

there's still like a week and a half left, it's 17 of december, december 17, i'm so incredibly exhausted, even tho i feel like i barely did anything

it's now december 28, i was doing something when i started writing this. i finished my week long work schedule at the jewerly, it was hard but i will earn a lot of money from it so i'm very happy about the hard work this month.

my boyfriend came home yesterday and gave me a christmas present, i already knew what it was but my family made me open it in front of them lol it was really awkward, but it made me happy, i always end up feeling really happy when we are together.

today, saturday, it was a normal day at work, it feel slow and quiet, after christmas season everything feels quiet lol.

~anime~

some weeks ago we started watching beastars, i already read the manga when it came out but i've never seen the anime before, except for like the first 3 chapters of the first season, and it's kind of underwhelming but at the same time i really really like it :3

Last saturday I had a very pleasant talk with one of my coworkers, she's 10 years older than me, so when we talk we usually talk about life, or our lives in general, I think that's common. So, Saturday, I remember we started talking about zodiac signs and how we are very compatible. I don't believe in zodiacs, but I do kind of believe in a destiny, that there's a reason why things happen, and having this conversation I asked her when was her birthday, for my surprise, her birthday is also my mom's.

I do believe there's a reason why I meet people, out of all the people I met working (that's not a lot, but it some, you know?), I think this is a very fun coincidence. But she's just my coworker, you know? I am friendly with her, I like her a lot, but I wouldn't call her a friend just yet.

Well, today we were talking about this boy I've been having uhh... feelings for? For some weeks, to be honest, and so I talked about my experience at love with her, also to know about her feelings and maybe I could get some sort of clue of what I'm supposed to do next without asking her direcly. And so I spilled the beans, lol, that's how you say it? I told her my only other experience in having a relationship was with a woman, but my ex is actually transmasc, only that when we were together he still presented as a woman, since he hadn't come out ot the closet yet. So in my eyes I dated a woman.

I explained all of this to her, kind of nervous, of course I was nervous, but I knew she wasn't exactly homophobic. To my surprise she told me she also had a person she had a thing with that was also a woman. I was so surprised, but at the same time, not? It's just that I never imagined, but it did not not make kind of sense, I don't know how to explain. And she told me her little story and how she liked her a lot. I won't say much about her story, but there's something that made me specially happy, that was that at the end of this part of our conversation, she told me she was a little relieved.

She hadn't told this to many people and that she was happy we shared something like this, or I understood that in her words, I feel the same. She told me, "So, we are two bisexuals", yes, we are. I hadn't used that label in myself for maybe two years, but I think that by definition I am bisexual, we are bisexual.

Her taste in woman surprised me tho lol She liked a very androgynous girl, very masculine. I like cute people, my ex is really cute I believe, and the boy I like right now is cute as well, the two of them are not really that masculine, but I don't mean this in any offensive way, sorry if it comes out like that.

Also hum... Me and my friend, this guy, we kissed this Sunday, I still feel my stomach weird when I remember the sensation, his face looked funny the second before we kissed and the wetness that he left on my lips, this sounds disgusting? Maybe, but I really liked the sensation. I'VE KISSED BEFORE, HELL, I'VE KISSED LIKE I WAS DESPERATE FOR SOMETHING, but this kiss was so short and soft, maybe because I really like him? I don't know, of course I like him, enough to feel this happy about such a simple thing, happy? Excited, I feel ecstatic.

I want to ask him to be my boyfriend, I was actually waiting until August to ask him, but I don't feel like waiting that much, maybe I'll do? But what I really want is to tell him I like him, that's something important to tell someone you kissed, right?

I just realized last month that I might actually have romantic feelings for him, I wasn't happy about the realization, he's a very dear friend to me, I didn't want this to happen to be honest, I feel scared about romance more than most things, but maybe I should be brave sometimes. To be honest, I liked him since last year but there was no way I was going to pursue anything, even now, I didn't mean to, but things just happend and it's not like I feel regretful about it, I wish I don't feel like that any time soon, nor any time.

Tomorrow I have my last test this semester, so I'm going to see him and to be honest I didn't study for even an hour, but I don't think I'll do that bad, it's just that he's so dilligent and inteligent I feel kind of inferior in that aspect, I felt the same with my ex but because he was better at art than me, isn't that such a fun fact?

Almost a month ago I contacted a woman that would likely give me a job at a jewerly shop. The most I knew about this job was that I was gonna work on the weekends, that sounds fine, I like resting a lot since I'm tired all the time, but it couldn't be so bad, y'know?
I was hesitant at the moment, I didn't really know if I wanted the job or not, but something like that, it didn't sound so hard, like working on a pizzeria's kitchen... Oh, God, what an awful experience.

Things now are better, I'm less stressed about it at least. I've gone to work twice already (It's actually just Saturdays!), it's tiring but I get to be sitted down, so it's nice. The worst part in my opinion is NOT KNOWING A LOT (ANYTHING?) ABOUT JEWELS, that's definitely the worst worst part, but I'm still new so I can better, and I've been trying really hard not to cry sometimes, I'm quite sensitive to being such a mess in general.

I'm already 20 but I can't do this things that should be easy, or at least easier. My time at that pizzeria were truly awful, I don't like sharing that experience anymore, it wasn't so hard but I was really weak then lol I still think I am very weak as a person, mentally, but if I've been able to do it this far maybe I really do have a chance to be a functional adult in society one day.

Last week I invited my best friend (I feel weird calling anyone that, but I think she fits the 'best friend' label) to my house so we could watch some movies and have some time together. We don't usually do this, if ever! But I would like to spend more time with her, I got caught up in the moment and said: Let's hang out next week! 'Okay!' And that day had ended!

We had lunch in the cafeteria at my college, it was full since it really was lunch time. We ate (I had a lot, I think she had a lot too but I didn't ask) and then we came to my house. Is an hour long trip to my house, unlike hers that's a little less, so we arrived kind of tired lol.

Then, the moment of truth, the movie! We had a lot of options (or at least I had a lot of them in mind), but we decided to watch 'But I'm a Cheerleader' since it was a movie that had been a lot of time in both of our watchlists. It was so bizarre! I didn't expect it to be that kind of movie, I kind of thought it was going to be a little bit more serious, but it was just absurd humor, and I liked that a lot, it was a nice surprise, I think.

We finished that and continued watching 'She loves to cook, she loves to eat', a Japanese Drama we started yesterday in a call on discord. Both of us read the manga already, I think she read until the beginning of the 2nd Volumen and I already finished reading that volume (there's no scans for the latest 2 volumes!!!) And it's such a good manga! I love how it talks about gender and sexism, those kinds of themes I really like reading in manga (Kind of reminds me of 'Papa Told me'!) and the actresses are so fitting to the manga characters is a very fun show to watch!

We've also talked a lot about food related manga, yuri manga in specific, I love those. Watching this drama with her has been lots of fun, we have 4 episodes left, I hope we finish it together soon.

Today the class I had was fun, I had just one so I got out pretty early. When we were in the train with my friends they started talking about an accident one of them had some years ago, the descriptions were gory and very explicit. The thing is, I have hematophobia, and I thought I could handle it well if I tried hard enough, I didn't even saw the pictures he showed my other friend, but I started to feel unwell very quickly... I reaaally thought I could do it, I even squatted for a while to try to recover, but just seconds after I stood up I felt even worse; at this point they'd already realized I was being weird, because they asked me if I was dizzy, I said yes because I'm embarrassed of this phobia (I just think it's so dumb of me), and my eyes started closing and whop, I passed out.

I didn't realized the moment they catched me, or if I even fell or they just held me the moment I closed my eyes, I can't really recall, they said I didn't fell and that is good because the train was full and inevitably I would've fell over someone and mainly because it is dangerous to fall and hit my head or something. This had happen to me before of couse, but never with someone that wasn't my mom, not even out of my house or close by, I was in a moving metro an hour away from my house, hopefully I was with people I know.

I regained consciousness after some minutes I believe, I could hear them talk about some things, and how one of them was holding me, it was insane, I couldn't move nor open my eyes, last time I fainted I could open them but I couldn't hear, now it was backwards, such a weird experience. After some more minutes I could move a little, I was sweating like crazy too, and it stopped so the three of us got off the subway train. There I recovered before the next train came, we talked a little and they offered me water, but the way home was close enough to not buy water, I also don't like when people buy things for me, so I declined.

That was all, one of them went home because that was his station and the other friend kept me company until I got in the bus to my house, it was very crazy and I was kind of afraid, thinking what would've happened if I were alone, hearing someone random and then I felt bad, that would be very very dangerous, hopefully nothing happend.

pd: I didn't do too good on my math test </3 I haven't got my score yet tho.

I haven't been feeling like myself this past weeks, college just feels empty, why am I even studying computer science for? The money, with money my life will be so much easier, I need money to be healthier, to afford anything really, but specially for that since I've been feeling worse about my mouth too.

On the other hand, while I've been feeling depressed I applied to a Fear&Hunger fanzine as an artist, they accepted me immediately, probably because it's their first time and there wasn't a hard criteria, so I'm very excited because this is also my first time! I'll be drawing npcs 'the bunnymasks'.

I've been interested in funger for a long time now, since it became popular, but I've barely watch any gameplay, because I can't afford buying any games now (saving money for doctor atm!). I will do my best! I'll try my best! I'm very excited about that, also I've been meaning to do my own zine, a perzine of sorts I guess, just for my peace of mind...

It's pride month! It's been a while since I haven't posted here, there's a lot of things happening right now in my life that are way too personal to make me wanna talk about lol, but it's June and I wanted to do so much things, most important of all, draw a lot (But again, I've been too stressed to even turn on my pc. Rn I'm supposed to be finishing a Python course I need done by the 16th, I'm getting there, but now that I'm on my pc I wanted to write a little, think less about college.....

PRIDE MONTH: I'm queer, I always forget that people don't usually know those things about me, all I think about all day is about me and things that rotate around me, I don't usually talk out loud too, but ok. If I should put a label on myself I would say I'm a agender, aromantic (bisexual), I've been thinking of the word saphic but since I don't feel much romantic attraction is kind of weird, that's why the word bisexual is in parenthesis, it's been hard trying to figure it out, but I'm kind of happy now that I know I'm aromantic.

Well, some days ago I was playing a game with a college classmate, we've been playing like a casual thing for some weeks, and it's my favorite game too so I didn't complain, playing with a stranger, but this last time it was very uncomfortable. He insisted on me marrying him on the game, not once, not twice, FOUR times, in very different times too, he was just too persistent and I felt so grossed out, not because he's way older than me (we're almost 10 years apart) but because he's just... not the kind of person I like to hang out with? He's like, kind of racist, homophobic and sexist, he always starts sentences like: "I'm not racist but...", "Not to be homophobic but..." Like, ok? I don't fucking care, ugh, now that I'm writing this I'm so annoyed lol I haven't talk to him since that day, I don't really want to talk to him anymore, it feels a little gross.

Well, I created this because I wasn't sure how or even what I wanted to do, and when I get nervous I always do nonesense. I'm not able to write that much because I started uni recently, oh and how much I wanted to keep on writing, I just get too nervous when I start... Would people think I'm a fourteen year old writing? I've never written in english so it's a little hard, sorry if I mistake my tenses.
Well, I've been keeping on dreaming lots of weird things And I hope I don't get a weird dream tonight, since I have my first test tomorrow for the first time in 3 years! That's why I'm so nervous right now, even tho I don't think I'm that bad, anything can happen. My classmates are there, decent I guess, at least the people I talk to is very diligent, that makes me feel a little bit at ease, in school that was very different, but I finished school, yes, 3 years ago.