Listen to me,ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

I've realized about myself, some years ago, that I feel attraction for people that I admire. Maybe it's not something weird when you like someone romantically to see them as someone admirable, I'm not sure.
I've identified myself as aroace for at least 6-7 years now, I know I have some peculiarities to myself that make me stand out not in a good way, highlighting my awkward personality and so, I have a hard time when I try to understand my feelings towards other people, specially positive feelings lol.

My first girlfriend was an artist and I admired them so much it made me crazy, I wanted to be just like them. It took me months to realize I liked them romantically, we were together for some years and then broke up in rather unpleasant circumstances.
I was always weird about my feelings of admiration with them; I really liked their skills and how people looked at them also with admiration, but I felt out of place. This feeling that "I'm worse than them in this skill I want to pursue" and also my contradicting feelings of superiority, because I had better grades than them and stood out because of it. What a child.

That relationship ended and I didn't go out with anyone until 6 years later, because I really dislike having muddy relationships, meaning, I don't like talking to someone who wants to just have a romantic relationship with me when I can barely consider them a friend. That really throws me off, makes me feel so uncomfortable, the times that that has happened I completely ignore the person until they're out of my life... Not the most mature thing to do, but in my defense I haven't done this in 4 years, so hopefully if it ever happens in the future I won't do it again :-)

My boyfriend, I admire him a lot, we've been together for 2+ years, he is really smart and has lots of abilities that I don't have, in the beginning, when we met, I admired him because he was so good at class haha, I admired his resilience and how studious he was, he always arrived to class already knowing the subjects and with the activities learned, because he liked coming to class prepared. That may have been a stupid reason to admire him? I personally don't think so, it's hard to find people that actually like to study and learn things, in my school there were few of my classmates that were interested in learning the subjects of class, not that I was a bookworm, but I liked paying attention (before the depression started haha); anyway, when I first realized I liked him was one time, after a test, that he congratulated me for having a good grade (something that no classmate has ever said to me before), my heart was throbbing like crazy!!!

Well, I, once again, had that problem, the one mentioned in the title... How and when does admiration start to become inferiority? Is it when you start a relationship with the person you admire? It does not have to be a romantic relationship to be honest, I have lots of good friends that are so talented in what they do and have a passion for, I feel like I'm missing that, the passion, even when I so desperately say I am passionate, I'm not so sure I believe it myself, have they realize that too?

I'm afraid I may distance myself always for the bad reasons, because I'm scared they will realize I have such nasty feelings of jelousy inside of me, how can I be sincere to anyone and myself when I have this horrid feelings about the people I love the most.

My friends, my boyfriend and my family are all precious to me and I don't want to poison them, is what I have chosen, but I haven't find a way to do it without having this much space between us.

As final thoughts. This words were to express my deep sadness that I acquire not long ago, when my boyfriend got the job I was really enthusiastic of getting. It was a horrible feeling, a real situation where I was explicity not enough for someone and was made second place from someone that I admire, but we are at the same level, or we should be... So, what should I feel? What would you feel?

At present, this feeling is almost all gone, I was enthusiastic, yes, more than him, but enough for myself? I'm actually not sure. Maybe it was for the best, I hate when people tell "Something was for the best" or "It was meant to be that way", but I guess there's some situations like this were I actually feel that way, it was not meant to be.

Hello 2026, we're almost done and I'm finishing my computer science degree, which I don't really know what to do with and my main income comes from art commissions, how far have we got everypony?

I tried to write something to post here the other day but this site seems slower than what I remembered it? Also right now, maybe I'm too used to webs loading in less than 2 seconds, the time response is really importan for users, you'd learn that at CS LOL whatever.

Since I'm finishing my degree I'm trying to get back to some old hobbies, such as html+css, creative writing and journaling. I also started doing exercise, but less than 2 weeks ago I got 2 of my wisdom tooth pulled out so I couldn't keep it... I will get back to it as soon as I can! I'm getting the other 2 pulled out soon in October, so I'm nervous again, but it was just 1 week of pain and uncomfortable eating ways haha it went super fast.

I'm redoing my site, danppun.necoties.org and plan on changing it's name, since i don't use that hanger online anymore, only for my email lol. I already archived the site on github so it won't get lost, I should've done that with the other versions of it, but I fear they are kinda gone by now... Well, at least I made one for the version that's currently up!

I love my dreamwidth layout to be honest, it's perfect LOL exactly my taste! It hasn't change much this past 2 years since I last posted here. Hopefully, I'll try to get to write here at least once a week, I ramble a lot about my feelings and to be honest I'm kinda really depressed as of now, but I want to talk about other topics, I just don't know what! I don't want to share too much personal information online lol And I barely read manga or watch anime or movies or series even, I'm trying my best to get back to be a human being by recovering some of my old hobbies, I just feel so tired I don't want to do anything, BUT coding has been so fun these past days, I just really need to try to grasp this feeling of euphoria and joy.

Well, I'll try to sort some of my thought and topics, I actually do have some things to share, like maybe how I started solo rolplaying or that I've been trying to beat sudoku games level hard but CAN'T or the book I'm reading (slowly, but doing it!) or the books I want to read!!! I'll sort myself, I'll do it!

I come back here again, after saying something like "I will update this weekly! I promise!" :( I still want to keep that promise, but personal life and work and college are sucking up all my life energy lol

A little bit of a recap, I have gone out with my boyfriend a lot, I love how we are friends before we are a couple, I really like that. I haven't got the time to draw or write for my page, I want to delete a segment that felt right just by the time I actually thought of it, but it's fine, it can stay like that for a little longer.

There's personal drama happening right now, omg... but if things go the way I think they'll go, it'll end up being a suuuper boring drama, but enjoyable right now, I'm laughing at a wimp.

The day of my last entry was the same day I asked that guy to be my boyfriend, or more like I told him I liked him, like a verbal confirmation of the way I was feeling. So since July 17th We've been together? LOL
I worked ALL week last week, I really wanted to write about how I was feeling, but it was a difficult task as I was at work all day. Now I'm free! I can rest today and tomorrow and then Wednesday I have a very stressing thing to do and AFTER that I can rest again some days. I want to be alone.

I'm not good at relationships, I usually find people annoying, I find myself one of the most annoying people, as I don't have a very good self esteem, but I have to control that since now I'm sharing my time with another person in a romantic aspect, woah... I really have to.

Today I finished this graphic I intend to use in my website when I finish the new design. The guy at the right is my persona but their design is simplified ahaha. I really like how it turned out.

You guys are not gonna believe this, I think I have a genuine crush on someone, but again I'm not doing nothing about it lol. Actually, I am trying a little, but it's really hard, it's my first time liking a boy so it's been so weird and a little uncomfortable, since I'm new to this things.

Oh, happy Pride Month! I hope everyone had a fantastic month, I didn't do anything for it this year, I can't rememeber if I did last year.

I usually come here to talk about college and the website, but I'm tired of college so I'm just gonna say that. About the website, I wanna start all over again, the site is shit and lots of images are down, hell even the guestbook is down now, so I'll have to do another one lol A lot of people unfollowed me, but that's normal, it's been half a year and I barely take a look around once a month or so. I really wanted to be more active but it's been hard, and I've been really fucking depressed for some reason, I don't feel like doing things hmm.


Look at this drawing I did yesterday for artfight as a goodbye to this post.

Almost a month ago I contacted a woman that would likely give me a job at a jewerly shop. The most I knew about this job was that I was gonna work on the weekends, that sounds fine, I like resting a lot since I'm tired all the time, but it couldn't be so bad, y'know?
I was hesitant at the moment, I didn't really know if I wanted the job or not, but something like that, it didn't sound so hard, like working on a pizzeria's kitchen... Oh, God, what an awful experience.

Things now are better, I'm less stressed about it at least. I've gone to work twice already (It's actually just Saturdays!), it's tiring but I get to be sitted down, so it's nice. The worst part in my opinion is NOT KNOWING A LOT (ANYTHING?) ABOUT JEWELS, that's definitely the worst worst part, but I'm still new so I can better, and I've been trying really hard not to cry sometimes, I'm quite sensitive to being such a mess in general.

I'm already 20 but I can't do this things that should be easy, or at least easier. My time at that pizzeria were truly awful, I don't like sharing that experience anymore, it wasn't so hard but I was really weak then lol I still think I am very weak as a person, mentally, but if I've been able to do it this far maybe I really do have a chance to be a functional adult in society one day.

Today I had my last test but I still have to take 3 more exams in 2 weeks, so I'm not completely finished, but I feel more freedom now! I had tests nonstop this week, so I'm happy it's finally over.

I want to draw more and write more html, even if I don't have the inspiration right now to do so... I want more projects! OH! I mentioned here some months ago how I'm participating on a Fear & Hunger Fanzine, I should probably finish that first than starting new things, and finish a Python course I'm supposed to have ready by the 31st of december, yes, that keeps bugging me.

Everytime I talk abot tests in here I say something like "Oh no, I messed up", because that's how I always feel about tests lol

THAT WAS SOMETHING OLD I WROTE I STILL HAVEN'T GOT THE SCORE OF THAT TEST IN SPECIFIC. Tomorrow I have, guess, THREE tests in a row, I'm very tired but hopefully I'll do okay in those. I've been so busy with college now that the year is ending and vacations are so close by, I just want to rest and draw and write and think about Christmas and no more classes please... I'm not in love with the career I choose, so now I have to bear with this amalgamation of so not-very-good thoughts about it.

Context- I took a 2 hour nap after I arrived home. I have an important test tomorrow.
Featuring- Spanish ver. at the end

CW-- There's a scene with mild sexual harassment in the 2nd parragraph.


ENG:
I was in one of my classrooms, it was a computer lab, I think I was in one of the computers at the end of the room, there was hardly anyone. A random male classmate, another classmate, a girl, sitting on an armchair (which was just there, there's no armchairs in the rooms in real life) and a teacher.

The teacher approached that classmate, who was not paying attention to anything in specific, had her eyes lost as if she was thinking of something, I did not speak to her nor knew her at all, but I did not like the way this teacher approached her, he began to say strange things, like reciting a poem to her, it turns out it was the lyrics to a popular song, I can’t remember which one now, but it was so awkward to watch and my classmate still didn’t realize what was going on, so I walked up and stood between the two, The professor pressed his body against hers, I was very disgusted just to see that.

I got in the middle and started pushing the teacher while I was yelling at my classmate to please move and leave, there she realized what was happening and left the room quickly, then I followed her. She was very quiet, I imagined it was because she was trying to process what had happened, but she was already quiet.

I asked her if she was okay, she didn’t answer clearly. I don’t remember how it happened, but I took her to the college theater, clearly this wasn’t my university, although I still didn’t realize I was in a dream.

There were several people in the place, they were preparing for a play, I had an acquaintance there, a man, maybe 30 years old, wore a short blonde wig and a red dress that barely covered his legs, had a certain resemblance to Marilyn Monroe, was very sympathetic. He spoke to us for a while about the play and how excited and happy he was to get on stage, in that moment, I say that my dream was to someday be able to perform in a play, I could feel how she turned to see me, my own words embarrassed me.

He retired, we were alone again, there I asked her again if she was okay. She didn’t answer me at first, she asked me if what I had just said was true, I said yes. She didn’t tell me directly, but I knew that the reason she was curious was because of the kind of career I was in, there was no way that what I was studying could one day make me participate as an actor in a play, I understood, but I didn’t mind the idea of maybe never being able to fulfill that dream.

After the silence she spoke to me again, as she looked at me, I looked straight at her face. She said she wasn’t sure what she was going to do from then on, she probably didn’t have anyone to talk to or anything like that, she didn’t look like the kind of person who was alone, I assumed she had friends, But when she said that I tried to remember if I’d seen her with other people before, then I realized she wasn’t real, but I still kept the dream going.

I told her that if it didn’t bother her she could be with us (referring to me and my friends), she smiled at me, I don’t know what face I made, she replied that yes, she would like that, and a Thank you. I looked at her for a few seconds, she wasn’t exactly my type, but the way she talked to me made me want to get to know her more, but I knew she wouldn’t be able to, since I already had realized this was a dream.

Everything went dark, there were some curtains still covering the stage, we looked at it, in complete darkness drops began to fall from the sky, it was impossible that it was raining in a roofed place, but that was exactly what was happening. In front of the stage, on the floor, there was a giant piano, the white keys of the piano looked navy blue through the night sky that had appeared out of nowhere, a melody began to sound, like a lullaby.

I watched the piano for several seconds while the song was playing, there was no one with me anymore, but I didn’t look at my side, I didn’t have to confirm anything. Then I woke up.

ESP:
Estaba en una de mis sala de clase, era un laboratorio computacional, me parece que yo estaba en uno de los computadores del final de la sala, no había casi nadie. Un compañero random, una compañera sentada en un sillón (que solo estaba ahí, no hay sillones en las salas de la vida real) y un profesor.

El profesor se acerca a mi compañera, que no estaba prestando atención a nada en específico, tenía la mirada perdida como si pensara en algo, yo no le hablaba ni la conocía de nada, pero no me gustaba la forma en la que este profesor se le acercaba, le empezaba a decir cosas raras, como a recitarle un poema, resulta que era la letra de una canción popular, no puedo recordar cuál ahora, pero era tan incómodo de ver y mi compañera aún no se daba cuenta de lo que estaba pasando, entonces me acerqué y me interpuse entre los dos, el profesor apretaba su cuerpo contra el de ella, me daba mucho asco solo verlo.

Me metí en el medio y empecé a empujar al profesor en lo que le gritaba a mi compañera que por favor se moviera y se fuera, ahí se dio cuenta de lo que estaba pasando y salió rápido de la sala, después la seguí. Estaba muy callada, yo me imaginaba que era porque estaba intentando procesar lo que había pasado, pero ya de por sí era callada.

Le pregunté si estaba bien, no respondió claramente. No recuerdo cómo fue que pasó, pero la llevé al teatro de la universidad, claramente esta no era mi universidad, aunque aún no me daba cuenta de que estaba en un sueño.

Habían varias personas en el lugar, se estaban preparando para una obra, yo tenía un conocido ahí, un hombre, quizás de unos 30 años, llevaba una peluca corta rubia y un vestido rojo que apenas le cubría las piernas, tenía cierto parecido a Marilyn Monroe, era muy simpático. Nos habló un rato sobre la obra y lo emocionado y feliz que estaba por subir al escenario, en eso a mí se me sale que mi sueño era algún día poder actuar en una obra de teatro, pude sentir como ella se giró a verme, mis propias palabras me avergonzaron.

Él se retiró, de nuevo estabamos solas, ahí le volví a preguntar si estaba bien. No me respondió al principio, me preguntó si era cierto lo que había dicho recién, le dije que sí. No me lo dijo directamente, pero sabía que la razón por la que eso le daba curiosidad era por el tipo de carrera en el que estaba, no había forma que en lo que estaba estudiando pudiese algún día participar como actor en una obra, lo entendía, pero no me molestaba la idea de quizás nunca poder cumplir ese sueño.

Después del silencio volvió a hablarme, mientras me miraba, yo le miraba directamente en su cara. Me dijo que no estaba segura de lo que iba a hacer desde ese momento en adelante, seguramente no tenía a nadie con quien hablar o algo por el estilo, no se veía como el tipo de persona que estuviera sola, yo había asumido que tenía amigos, pero cuando dijo eso intenté recordar si es que antes la había visto con otras personas, ahí me di cuenta de que no era real, pero aún así seguí con el sueño.

Le dije que si no le molestaba podía estar con nosotros (refiriéndome a mí y mis amigos), ella me sonrío, yo no sé que cara hice, me respondió que sí, que le gustaría, y un gracias. La miré por otros segundos, no era exactamente mi tipo, pero la forma en la que me hablaba me daban ganas de seguir conociéndola más, pero sabía que ya no se iba a poder, porque me había dado cuenta de que era un sueño.

Todo se puso oscuro, habían unas cortinas tapando el escenario aún, miramos hacia él, en completa oscuridad comenzaron a caer gotas del cielo, era imposible que estuviese lloviendo en un lugar techado, pero eso era exactamente lo que estaba pasando. Frente al escenario, en el suelo, había un piano gigante, las teclas blancas del piano se veían de un color azul marino por el cielo nocturno que había aparecido de la nada, empezó a sonar una melodía, como una canción de cuna.

Miré el piano por varios segundos mientras sonaba la canción, ya no había nadie conmigo, pero no miré a mi lado, no tenía porque confirmar nada. Entonces desperté.