Listen to me,ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ

I've realized about myself, some years ago, that I feel attraction for people that I admire. Maybe it's not something weird when you like someone romantically to see them as someone admirable, I'm not sure.
I've identified myself as aroace for at least 6-7 years now, I know I have some peculiarities to myself that make me stand out not in a good way, highlighting my awkward personality and so, I have a hard time when I try to understand my feelings towards other people, specially positive feelings lol.

My first girlfriend was an artist and I admired them so much it made me crazy, I wanted to be just like them. It took me months to realize I liked them romantically, we were together for some years and then broke up in rather unpleasant circumstances.
I was always weird about my feelings of admiration with them; I really liked their skills and how people looked at them also with admiration, but I felt out of place. This feeling that "I'm worse than them in this skill I want to pursue" and also my contradicting feelings of superiority, because I had better grades than them and stood out because of it. What a child.

That relationship ended and I didn't go out with anyone until 6 years later, because I really dislike having muddy relationships, meaning, I don't like talking to someone who wants to just have a romantic relationship with me when I can barely consider them a friend. That really throws me off, makes me feel so uncomfortable, the times that that has happened I completely ignore the person until they're out of my life... Not the most mature thing to do, but in my defense I haven't done this in 4 years, so hopefully if it ever happens in the future I won't do it again :-)

My boyfriend, I admire him a lot, we've been together for 2+ years, he is really smart and has lots of abilities that I don't have, in the beginning, when we met, I admired him because he was so good at class haha, I admired his resilience and how studious he was, he always arrived to class already knowing the subjects and with the activities learned, because he liked coming to class prepared. That may have been a stupid reason to admire him? I personally don't think so, it's hard to find people that actually like to study and learn things, in my school there were few of my classmates that were interested in learning the subjects of class, not that I was a bookworm, but I liked paying attention (before the depression started haha); anyway, when I first realized I liked him was one time, after a test, that he congratulated me for having a good grade (something that no classmate has ever said to me before), my heart was throbbing like crazy!!!

Well, I, once again, had that problem, the one mentioned in the title... How and when does admiration start to become inferiority? Is it when you start a relationship with the person you admire? It does not have to be a romantic relationship to be honest, I have lots of good friends that are so talented in what they do and have a passion for, I feel like I'm missing that, the passion, even when I so desperately say I am passionate, I'm not so sure I believe it myself, have they realize that too?

I'm afraid I may distance myself always for the bad reasons, because I'm scared they will realize I have such nasty feelings of jelousy inside of me, how can I be sincere to anyone and myself when I have this horrid feelings about the people I love the most.

My friends, my boyfriend and my family are all precious to me and I don't want to poison them, is what I have chosen, but I haven't find a way to do it without having this much space between us.

As final thoughts. This words were to express my deep sadness that I acquire not long ago, when my boyfriend got the job I was really enthusiastic of getting. It was a horrible feeling, a real situation where I was explicity not enough for someone and was made second place from someone that I admire, but we are at the same level, or we should be... So, what should I feel? What would you feel?

At present, this feeling is almost all gone, I was enthusiastic, yes, more than him, but enough for myself? I'm actually not sure. Maybe it was for the best, I hate when people tell "Something was for the best" or "It was meant to be that way", but I guess there's some situations like this were I actually feel that way, it was not meant to be.